(The characters/teams/Agencies in the below write up are fictional. Any resemblance to real life is truly unintentional)
Madrid-
In the news that could shake the whole footballing world, the crux
behind Barcelona’s dominance has been revealed. It appears that Barca
has developed an Inception System which works on similar lines as that
of recently released Hollywood movie “Inception”. This revelation came
after Jose Mourinho publicly announced that he too has developed that
system.
“I
have developed a unique Inception System which works on principle of
dreams. Barcelona has been using it for the last four years, which
explains their dominance over their rivals. But, mine is better – even
better than the one I used at Inter to defeat them” He said speaking to
press persons ahead of the ‘El- Clasico’ this month.
Since
that press conference, the investigating agencies across the world-
Football Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Intergoal and our own
Controversy Bureau of Investigation (CBI) - are working overtime to
unravel the controversy. Following are some of the findings from their
investigations.
BARCELONA SUPREMACY
Initial
findings of Investigations have revealed that Barcelona has developed a
unique system to manipulate actions of opposition players without them
realizing it. Though findings have failed to explain the working in
detail, they have provided basic theory behind the system. Just before
the start of the match, the Barca players along with their opponents,
without their knowledge, enter into a dream world. In this dream world,
opposition players are manipulated and maneuvered by incepting different
thoughts into their minds. The vital link is that the actions of
players in dream-world get transmitted as their actions in real world.
And also, the system, codenamed ‘cordless inception’/ ‘Sleepless
inception’ among investigators, does not require infusion of sedation to
humans to make them dream. Technically, it leaves lot of questions
unanswered. But it is hoped that within next two days the inception
experts will provide a clear insight into working of this system.
The
idea, reportedly, was first conceived by Barca’s Iniesta, which has led
to him earning the sobriquet “El- Illusionista”. And also in gratitude
to his idea, Spain let him score the winning goal in WC Final.
The same system was also used in the Spanish triumphs in Euro’08 and WC’10.
Mourinho gets the wind of Inception
Through
sources yet unknown, Mouinho got the wind of Barca’s Inception system
after his side lost to Barcelona in 2009 CL semifinals. During summer of
2009, Mourinho put forward his own plan of developing a new inception
system to Abramovich. But, Russian czar, having little knowledge when it
comes to football, ousted him from the club saying he had lost his
mind. After thorough search for the interested parties, Mourinho finally
settled with Inter Milan. Inter owner conferred full faith in Mourinho,
investing heavily into the plan. Fortunately for them, the new system
turned out to be a master piece, much better than Barca system, earning
them the Champions league crown. Inter also became the first Italian
team to complete the treble.
(When
two inception systems clash with each other, players of better system
incept thoughts into minds of players of weaker system)
The Fall Out
But
after the CL triumph last year, Mourinho fell out with Inter over the
club failing to meet the monetary terms agreed with him. Thus, Mourinho
was left with no choice but to look for other options. In the process,
Inter’s Inception system was divided with the club keeping the machinery
and Mourinho taking the design and operating papers.
Casillas pulls the strings
Mourinho
then moved to real Madrid after Club captain Casillas, well aware of
the magic of Inception system as part of the Spanish team, forced the
Real Madrid Board to hire the beleaguered manager to challenge Barca’s
hegemony in La liga. After the move, Mourinho has been working on
developing a new & better system with the help of design papers he
had confiscated from Inter after his fallout with them. If the results
this season are any indication, it appears that he has finally
succeeded. Other important achievement of Mourniho has been to convince
Christiano to pass the ball to teammates. Rumours has it that Christiano
agreed to it only after he was told that he has to act as a team player
only in dreams, not in real life.
Inter woes continue
At
the other side, fortunes of Inter Milan, like Italy’s economy, have
continued to dwindle. They now sit in bottom half of the Serie A table.
Since their breakup with Mourinho, Inter have failed to maintain their
stronghold in Serie A. Reports state that there is unrest among the
players about the non- availability of inception system.
Manchester United joins the race
The
investigations also revealed that Manchester is another club developing
its own inception system. The system first came under radar of the club
when Fergie’s espionage team was doing its ritual of phone tapping of
rival managers. Incidentally, they heard the conversation between
Mourinho and Abramovich about inception and brought it to the notice of
Fergie. Initially, Fergie rubbished those talks, but then had to retract
his decision when his side failed to beat Barcelona in CL ’11 final.
(It is worth noting here that a year ago the same Barca side had been
beaten by Inter Milan under Mourinho)
The
work on the much fantasized inception system had begun earnestly in
summer of this year. The club managed to put in place a system, only
just before the start of the season. And also there were questions about
the reliability of it, with some staff members expressing their doubts.
They stated there were chances of opposition waking up from their
dreams. Nevertheless, Fergie decided to go ahead with it. Though it
worked wonders in the initial stages which included the 8-2 humiliation
of arsenal, it fell apart during the match against Mancity which led to
MANU’s worst defeat under Fergie. Following that, Fergie has vowed not
to use it until all the bottlenecks are overcome. MANU returning to
their usual 1-0 wins is a clear indication of that decision.
Even
the MANU’s aggressive hunting of Sneijder has been linked to developing
this system. Apparently, Sneijder, after having gained enough expertise
of inception system under Mourinho at Milan, has valuable inputs to
provide in helping MANU overcome its system bottlenecks. (At least,
that’s what Fergi thinks)
MANCHESTER CITY upbeat
Meanwhile,
city rivals Manchester City have confirmed that their traditional
strategy of exorbitant spending will continue with the signing of
Cavani in January transfer window. They are confident that it is the
right approach to winning EPL title.
But
TV analyst Shebby Singh thinks otherwise. “Mancity is trying to buy
strongest horses to run its chariot, when its rivals are working on
aerodynamics of their automobiles” he was quoted.
‘Inception’ incepted?!
In
further astonishing news, it is revealed the Hollywood movie
‘Inception’ is actually based on the Inception system Barca has
developed. It is reported that movie director Christopher Noaln, a close
friend of former Barca president Laporta, was given green light to
shoot the movie only on condition that he portray the reduced version of
the Barca system. Because Nolan failed to agree to the condition, he
was implanted with idea of having to use sedative in the movie (Thus the
use of sedative). To cover up the trails, Barca also made him believe
that he was working with the film for the last nine years well before
Barca dominance had started.
